yes, it happened.

i swear to you this happened on the train last night:

man walked into train, placed himself infront of me, leanedup against a pole, and thrust his pelvis in my face (2 feet from it) i looked away. next time i glanced at him, he had his arms up above his head holding the pole, so he was like flexing his arm muscles, and... dear friends, he was... KISSING HIS BICEP. i am not lying. i could not make this up.

he was probably 50.

it was grotesque.

and i laughed.

gross.

maniacs and criers

two nights ago, i was on the subway, waiting at 34th street for the train to start moving- we were "being delayed by the stations conductor" - whatever, whyever... so i was sitting there and i notice the two men sitting next to me (well, i was in a seat that goes backwards, and they were in seats on the side), and they were both fiddling around with their suitcases. the guy next to me, let's call him "litte joey" had on one of those tank tops that looks like the sleeves were just cut out, but they really arent, they are just made that way, jeans, and workboots. in manhattan. he had a handlebar mustache and reeked of smoke. the guy next to him, let's call him "big al" had on jeans, hiking type sneakers, and a button down... a little less rugged than little joey, but it was apparent that he was a country mouse in the big city... so, then i heard little joey say (in a voice that sounded like he must have been smoking 6 packs a day since age 11) "how fah do we have to go?" and i realize, to my dismay, they were definitely new englanders. big al answered "about fah-ty seconds" little joey nodded. then i heard big al say "hey girls, do you like this bag?" and i looked and he was holding up a knock off coach bag - not the cutest, but whatever... and it still had the plastic. the girls, probably thinking that he was trying to SELL it to him (two suitcases and a coach bag usually equal that in the streets of new york), said "no..." and kind of shrugged. big al looked at it, and said "well, think she'll like it... if not, I do! i'll use it!" and little joey said "hell, we just use backpacks in maine!" and i smiled at that, and little joey noticed, and then nudged me with his elbow laughing, and said "ya know? hahahaha" and he had one of those really scratchy smokers laughs... i laughed along like i knew just what he meant. then we got to 42nd street, and they must have had to catch the train back to portland, because they scuttled off, although little joey was not finished repacking his suitcase. i noticed him, after he got off, propping his suitcase ontop of a trash can to repack it.
and a little story from last night. i was on the train, minding my own business, when i noticed a girl get on, probably a little younger than me... she got on at 57th street, holding a whole foods bag. the first thing i noticed about her was that her skirt was very short. and she first sat down, then had to stand up to adjust the skirt so it wasnt her skin on the seat... as we were chugging along on the train, i noticed she was looking to the side, looking very sad. at first i thought she was looking AT someone- thinking it MUST be the boy she had unrequited love for, i followed her gaze, and just saw a regular corporate business woman standing there. was she sympathizing for corporate americans? then her gaze moved, and she had tears in her eyes, and she put her hand to her heart! now, my dear readers, i will fully 100% admit i have cried on the subway. i have sat there, alone and crying. but i have never EVER put my hand to my heart in a touching pose... what the HELL was wrong with this girl? i realized i was staring at her so i quickly put my gaze elsewhere and went on with my ride. i do not have that much will power, so i had to look at her again... and she... was... SMILING. LAUGHING. of course, i was wondering what on earth she could have been crying AND laughing about... then i realized he had her i pod shuffle on. perhaps, i thought, perHAPS she was listening to the last harry potter and it was the part where so and so died (i will not say who for fear of anyone reading this who has not read the last book), and then was laughing at something ron said later... or perhaps it was when this OTHER person died, and this other person is hurt and they are laughing about it.... or... or.... and then i noticed she was SINGING along. SINGING. so it was NOT a book she was listening to, it was music. now, i will admit music does get me going. i can cry... but i am not sure i have LAUGHED at music... i am truly curious about this girl. she got off at the stop before mine. i had a mind to stop her and ask her waht she was listening to. but i didnt.

suave and shrug

friday night i was on my way home from mexican food and one to many margaritas, but was aware enough as to what was going on around me. when i got on the subway, it was packed so i had to stand. i noticed a girl sitting down, i'm not sure why i noticed her, perhaps it was fates way of telling me "something will happen with her, so try to sit next to her" - so i noticed her, and read my book. a seat opened up a few stops later, lo and behold, next to the aforementioned girl. so i took it. i glanced over at what she was reading and noticed it was a script. typed out, so not anything crazy- probably an off off non equity production (i am not bashing her, as that is what i am involved in too!) so the train ride continued, with me reading. the train was still pretty packed for being so far into queens... there was a guy standing to my right, holding on to the bar above my head- i could sense his presence, but didnt look at him, so i didnt know what he looked like. just as we were approaching the stop before mine, script-reading girl stood up, handed something to man-without-a-face and said "i never do this.." and shrugged her shoulders with a cock of her neck. so i thought "what does she never do?" thinking perhaps she had tucked a tag that was sticking out of his shirt in... or maybe she knew him... so i looked at him, and he was holding a BUSINESS card. not any business card, an actors business card that has your headshot on it! so i laughed. maybe out loud, i cant be sure. then i noticed script-reader girl shrug her shoulders and cock her neck AGAIN. with a look on her face that was like "sorry." so then i decide i have to get a better look at man-without-a-face- and he wasnt even that cute! nothing that would make me think "if i dont do it i will never see the man of my dreams again" kind of thing that apparently script-reading girl felt! so then man-without-a-face, who i will now call mr. suave moves in on script-reading girl, who i will now call shrug-shoulders girl. mr. suave says "what stop are you getting off at?" shrug-shoulders said "the next one" mr suave: "i'll get off there too, this is usually my stop but i'll walk" so the doors shut and we start moving. and we stop. the announcement comes up "ladies and gentlemen we are being held for a train to leave the station" (this happens often since it is the last stop). and i chuckle to myself thinking how awkward it must be for shrug and suave to have to keep a conversation going. so mr suave says "ive been walking around manhattan all night" as if he had said "i have been pulling hundreds of people out of a burning building all night" he had this obnoxious, i-am-the-best-thing-in-the-world voice. i cant even think of an example - just, in your head, imagine an exaggerated "yeah, im awesome" voice, and that was suaves. so suave continued: "i started out the night at bar x downtown at first and avenue a* then my friend wsa in town and wanted us to meet her at 26th and 6th* so we walked there, then we walked to y bar on 23rd and avenue b* - not how i wanted to spend my friday night, but what can you do?" (*- these arent the real locations, i made them up, but it was something similar) and apparently, mr suave, you realized you werent going to get laid, which is why you were on your way home alone at 1 am.... but then shrug came along and you thought it was your lucky night... shrug then said "i should have just gotten off with you and walked... sometimes i think that might be quicker" then suave puts out his hand and says "Pete" as if he was at a country club and just met the CEO to the company he wanted to merge with... and shrug says "nicole." good god. is it wrong that i was loving sitting in on such awkwardness? when you arent involved, it is SUCH good fun! so they continued the small talk and then the train started moving. i was a bit sad as i wanted to continue viewing this interesting turn of events (let me also note that the entire time i was pretending to read my book, like it was the most interesting piece of literature i had ever encountered) so we got to my stop, and apparently, shrugs stop, and i literally waited so i could follow them. they are still kind of chit chatting, and she pointed to which way she goes, and he goes "oh, i was gonna say we could go to dunkin donuts and get a coffee or something" (dd was the other direction) and she says " i have to get up early for rehearsal" so i was following them down the stairs hoping to GOD she gave in to the coffee.. she laughed and said "it's great you know that is a 24 hour dunkin donuts" to which suave says "well, i just thought we could chat a bit more" and by then we were at the bottom of the stairs and they had stopped. i couldnt very well stop and stair at them, although i wanted to, perhaps pulling out a movie popcorn bag and watching, but instead i went on my way to my apartment. amazing. truly amazing. maybe they will be married in a year and i shouldnt poke fun. maybe after she realized what a jack ass he was she realized what a dumb mistake she had made. maybe she fell even further in love with him, but he was pissed she wouldnt go for a coffee with him. maybe they ended up at her place. i will probably never know...