yes, it happened.

i swear to you this happened on the train last night:

man walked into train, placed himself infront of me, leanedup against a pole, and thrust his pelvis in my face (2 feet from it) i looked away. next time i glanced at him, he had his arms up above his head holding the pole, so he was like flexing his arm muscles, and... dear friends, he was... KISSING HIS BICEP. i am not lying. i could not make this up.

he was probably 50.

it was grotesque.

and i laughed.

gross.

maniacs and criers

two nights ago, i was on the subway, waiting at 34th street for the train to start moving- we were "being delayed by the stations conductor" - whatever, whyever... so i was sitting there and i notice the two men sitting next to me (well, i was in a seat that goes backwards, and they were in seats on the side), and they were both fiddling around with their suitcases. the guy next to me, let's call him "litte joey" had on one of those tank tops that looks like the sleeves were just cut out, but they really arent, they are just made that way, jeans, and workboots. in manhattan. he had a handlebar mustache and reeked of smoke. the guy next to him, let's call him "big al" had on jeans, hiking type sneakers, and a button down... a little less rugged than little joey, but it was apparent that he was a country mouse in the big city... so, then i heard little joey say (in a voice that sounded like he must have been smoking 6 packs a day since age 11) "how fah do we have to go?" and i realize, to my dismay, they were definitely new englanders. big al answered "about fah-ty seconds" little joey nodded. then i heard big al say "hey girls, do you like this bag?" and i looked and he was holding up a knock off coach bag - not the cutest, but whatever... and it still had the plastic. the girls, probably thinking that he was trying to SELL it to him (two suitcases and a coach bag usually equal that in the streets of new york), said "no..." and kind of shrugged. big al looked at it, and said "well, think she'll like it... if not, I do! i'll use it!" and little joey said "hell, we just use backpacks in maine!" and i smiled at that, and little joey noticed, and then nudged me with his elbow laughing, and said "ya know? hahahaha" and he had one of those really scratchy smokers laughs... i laughed along like i knew just what he meant. then we got to 42nd street, and they must have had to catch the train back to portland, because they scuttled off, although little joey was not finished repacking his suitcase. i noticed him, after he got off, propping his suitcase ontop of a trash can to repack it.
and a little story from last night. i was on the train, minding my own business, when i noticed a girl get on, probably a little younger than me... she got on at 57th street, holding a whole foods bag. the first thing i noticed about her was that her skirt was very short. and she first sat down, then had to stand up to adjust the skirt so it wasnt her skin on the seat... as we were chugging along on the train, i noticed she was looking to the side, looking very sad. at first i thought she was looking AT someone- thinking it MUST be the boy she had unrequited love for, i followed her gaze, and just saw a regular corporate business woman standing there. was she sympathizing for corporate americans? then her gaze moved, and she had tears in her eyes, and she put her hand to her heart! now, my dear readers, i will fully 100% admit i have cried on the subway. i have sat there, alone and crying. but i have never EVER put my hand to my heart in a touching pose... what the HELL was wrong with this girl? i realized i was staring at her so i quickly put my gaze elsewhere and went on with my ride. i do not have that much will power, so i had to look at her again... and she... was... SMILING. LAUGHING. of course, i was wondering what on earth she could have been crying AND laughing about... then i realized he had her i pod shuffle on. perhaps, i thought, perHAPS she was listening to the last harry potter and it was the part where so and so died (i will not say who for fear of anyone reading this who has not read the last book), and then was laughing at something ron said later... or perhaps it was when this OTHER person died, and this other person is hurt and they are laughing about it.... or... or.... and then i noticed she was SINGING along. SINGING. so it was NOT a book she was listening to, it was music. now, i will admit music does get me going. i can cry... but i am not sure i have LAUGHED at music... i am truly curious about this girl. she got off at the stop before mine. i had a mind to stop her and ask her waht she was listening to. but i didnt.

suave and shrug

friday night i was on my way home from mexican food and one to many margaritas, but was aware enough as to what was going on around me. when i got on the subway, it was packed so i had to stand. i noticed a girl sitting down, i'm not sure why i noticed her, perhaps it was fates way of telling me "something will happen with her, so try to sit next to her" - so i noticed her, and read my book. a seat opened up a few stops later, lo and behold, next to the aforementioned girl. so i took it. i glanced over at what she was reading and noticed it was a script. typed out, so not anything crazy- probably an off off non equity production (i am not bashing her, as that is what i am involved in too!) so the train ride continued, with me reading. the train was still pretty packed for being so far into queens... there was a guy standing to my right, holding on to the bar above my head- i could sense his presence, but didnt look at him, so i didnt know what he looked like. just as we were approaching the stop before mine, script-reading girl stood up, handed something to man-without-a-face and said "i never do this.." and shrugged her shoulders with a cock of her neck. so i thought "what does she never do?" thinking perhaps she had tucked a tag that was sticking out of his shirt in... or maybe she knew him... so i looked at him, and he was holding a BUSINESS card. not any business card, an actors business card that has your headshot on it! so i laughed. maybe out loud, i cant be sure. then i noticed script-reader girl shrug her shoulders and cock her neck AGAIN. with a look on her face that was like "sorry." so then i decide i have to get a better look at man-without-a-face- and he wasnt even that cute! nothing that would make me think "if i dont do it i will never see the man of my dreams again" kind of thing that apparently script-reading girl felt! so then man-without-a-face, who i will now call mr. suave moves in on script-reading girl, who i will now call shrug-shoulders girl. mr. suave says "what stop are you getting off at?" shrug-shoulders said "the next one" mr suave: "i'll get off there too, this is usually my stop but i'll walk" so the doors shut and we start moving. and we stop. the announcement comes up "ladies and gentlemen we are being held for a train to leave the station" (this happens often since it is the last stop). and i chuckle to myself thinking how awkward it must be for shrug and suave to have to keep a conversation going. so mr suave says "ive been walking around manhattan all night" as if he had said "i have been pulling hundreds of people out of a burning building all night" he had this obnoxious, i-am-the-best-thing-in-the-world voice. i cant even think of an example - just, in your head, imagine an exaggerated "yeah, im awesome" voice, and that was suaves. so suave continued: "i started out the night at bar x downtown at first and avenue a* then my friend wsa in town and wanted us to meet her at 26th and 6th* so we walked there, then we walked to y bar on 23rd and avenue b* - not how i wanted to spend my friday night, but what can you do?" (*- these arent the real locations, i made them up, but it was something similar) and apparently, mr suave, you realized you werent going to get laid, which is why you were on your way home alone at 1 am.... but then shrug came along and you thought it was your lucky night... shrug then said "i should have just gotten off with you and walked... sometimes i think that might be quicker" then suave puts out his hand and says "Pete" as if he was at a country club and just met the CEO to the company he wanted to merge with... and shrug says "nicole." good god. is it wrong that i was loving sitting in on such awkwardness? when you arent involved, it is SUCH good fun! so they continued the small talk and then the train started moving. i was a bit sad as i wanted to continue viewing this interesting turn of events (let me also note that the entire time i was pretending to read my book, like it was the most interesting piece of literature i had ever encountered) so we got to my stop, and apparently, shrugs stop, and i literally waited so i could follow them. they are still kind of chit chatting, and she pointed to which way she goes, and he goes "oh, i was gonna say we could go to dunkin donuts and get a coffee or something" (dd was the other direction) and she says " i have to get up early for rehearsal" so i was following them down the stairs hoping to GOD she gave in to the coffee.. she laughed and said "it's great you know that is a 24 hour dunkin donuts" to which suave says "well, i just thought we could chat a bit more" and by then we were at the bottom of the stairs and they had stopped. i couldnt very well stop and stair at them, although i wanted to, perhaps pulling out a movie popcorn bag and watching, but instead i went on my way to my apartment. amazing. truly amazing. maybe they will be married in a year and i shouldnt poke fun. maybe after she realized what a jack ass he was she realized what a dumb mistake she had made. maybe she fell even further in love with him, but he was pissed she wouldnt go for a coffee with him. maybe they ended up at her place. i will probably never know...

orange breakfast, squeezing seats, and smells...

today i was on the subway, enjoying my lovely seat when we got to the second stop. everyone piled in, and then i noticed a girl squeezing through the doors, do the "look" around for a seat, and come to where i was sitting and say "couldyou?" and move her hands to symbolize "move over" to me and the guy sitting next to me. she was in her 20s and did not appear to have any physical ailment that would allow her not to stand. so i move over, and she squeezed her way in between me and the guy. then i noticed she was wearing a long sleeved THERMAL hoody in august in new york city. and i hated her even more. (did i mention that i was dripping with sweat as i had my suitcase with me and had to carry it up stairs to the trian?)
then she started rummaging through her bag, creating chaos as she did so. she pulled out foundation, and started putting it on- it was darker than her skin and looked hideous. (and, as i am pretty sure i am already going to hell, i dont think anything could help her).
so after the foundation was added, she rummaged again. and pulls out a baggie, with, ladies and gentleman, what was her breakfast. and do you know what this "breakfast" was? i shall tell you. this "breakfast" was the processed peanut butter and crackers- you know, the kind in a package. but, my friends, not just any pb and crackers, the kind with the ORANGE crackers. i looked at the crackers for probably one whole minute wondering if i was seeing things. wondering WHY wondering HOW. i dont think it is possible for me to eat anything orange before noon. eggs are yellow. no muffins are orange. peanut butter is brown. orange processed crackers?! so i looked away in disgust.
then i noticed, once we crossed into manhattan she had her hand over her nose. and she kept making awful faces. i couldnt smell anything. so then i thought, with delight "maybe i have bad breath!" so i immediately started breathing towards her. like a dragon. like fire... i was breathing on this bitch. but then i noticed she kept giving the guy next to her dirty looks. so i decided to take a deep smell. cologne. that was all. and it wasnt nasty saturated cologne. it wsa FINE. typical male smell. maybe she hates male smell, i dont know. but she was being completely and utterly OBNOXIOUS about it. and trying to get CLOSER to me. no. you dont press your body up against me in 90 degreee humidity on the subway.
so then, at 49th street, she got up. and i had a silent hoorah, but she MOVES TO THE OTHER SIDE OF ME. so it definitely was not my breath, but this guys cologne. so there she is pressed up against my left thigh. great.
then she pulls out a snapple, and starts sucking on a straw to drink it like a baby bottle, and she does not stop, like a baby and a bottle. she just sucks and sucks and drains that snapple. til it starts making those noises. by now, i cant smell cologne guy, but she is still being obnoxious, and at 34th street, she moves to the end of our row. and shoots me and cologne guy dirty looks. THEN some guy sits down next to her, and she shoots HIM a dirty look.
because i couldnt stare at her directly, luckily there is a wonderful window that i can look into and see her reflection. as i looked at her, sitting, being miserable, i suddenly started thinking about the people she must work with, and how much they must hate her. and i was so glad i did not work with her. she jumped up at 14th street and weas never seen again... she must bring misery, hatred, and those goddamn dirty looks with her wherever she goes.

what the fuck... is that blood?

the other day i got on my trusty n/w line at canal, which is always a delightful thing as i can always get a seat. as i walked on the sparsely populated train, and walked toward the seat that i wanted (i like the ones on the end, i feel like i have more room) i saw a red substance on the ground. i thought "what the fuck- is that blood?" upon closer inspection and evidence, i realized it was not blood, but ketchup. (the evidence being one of those little ketchup holders you pump ketchup into at some restaurants). i sat near it, but not near enough to step in it. the next stop, i saw more people have the same reaction: what the fuck, is that blood? then realizing, as i did, that it was merely someones carelessness with ketchup, the relief flooding over their faces, but there still avoidance of standing near it. it was just ketchup, but still, gross. i wonder if the evidence of the container was not present, what people would have done. i'm sure in the true new york fashion of ignoring, subway life as we know it would have gone on as usual.
i noticed a few things as the train plugged further uptown and got more crowded:
1. afterawhile and with more people on the train, there would still be the initial "is that blood?" moment, but then no one seemed to care if they stepped on it anymore - it was rather hard to avoid. the closer we got to 42nd street, the harder it was to even see it.
2. the stench. the more people who got on the train, in the middle of august, in manhattan, the hotter it gets on the train, and the grosser the smell gets. what i learned this ketchup day is that not only do sweaty city smell worse packed onto the subway, but so does ketchup.

as the ride wore on, the ketchup was hidden by feet, and the stench was hidden by B.O. and by the time i got off, i had practically forgotten about the ketchup...

why my day job makes me happy

i still call it day job even though im not in a production right now. because it is not my forever job. but. it makes me happy. why?

here are some reasons as of the past couple of days:

1. after an amazing, relaxing, fun vacation in ireland, though of course i would love to still be there, i did not dread going back to work my first day back. at borders, it was really a hassle that first morning back "DONT MAKE ME YOU CANT MAKE ME" and then you would be back and it would still be as shitty as when you left, and usually, 10 new "rules" would have started making you have less freedom to express yourself than before. but this time, i didnt mind, and was looking forward to seeing my coworkers.

2. when i did return, i was greeted with tons of "we missed you!! so glad you are back!" etc. it makes you feel appreciated.

3. yesterday a coworker was going to borders so i had her pick me up the new hamlet dvd, while leaving work i was showing it to two coworkers, blabbing about it. today, one of the people i was showing it off to said "did you watch hamlet?" he remembered, and i like that.

4. this didnt happen in the past couple of days, but everyone was highly supportive of my harry potter craziness in july - and all asked me about it afterwards.

i love it.

and we get cake tomorrow, and there are oreos in the kitchen.
and i have coffee and an english muffin every morning.

and i have a question mark shaped desk, to match my scar.

?what if! new york - a comforting place to be!

do i attract fights?

well. i live in the city. i live in an apartment. i RARELY hear anything from the other apartments in my building (there are 3 others) - once and awhile i will hear elderly anne who lives below us blasting her tv, but that is about it.

last week, i was home alone, watching tv, and suddenly i heard yelling. loud yelling. "HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT" woah. then a lower, softer, gentler "i thought we would buy a house, start a family" then muffled voices, then screaming again. after a minute or two i thought "they MUST be rehearsing a scene... people are NOT that trite in real life." but, my loyal readers, it was 100% real. 2 hours real. i sat on the couch nearest the window, put the tv on mute, and listened... "GO AHEAD THROW SOMETHING, BREAK SOMETHING" about 100 times. "YOU JUST GOING GO OUT?! GO AHEAD" 10 times... "how can you say that" was repeated throughout the evening, about 100 times- no joke. and, let me get this open, i am a woman, but the woman was the one yelling. the man was calm, rarely raising his voice, which i am SURE infuriated her even more. my favorite line "YOURE DEAF!!! y ou NEVER hear ANYTHING i say!!!!' that would explain the yelling, i suppose... perhaps the point where i was most confused when i heard her say "YOU WORK ALL DAY" then a muffled response, and then "I DONT WANT TO GET A JOB" ok... so he was suggesting she get a job. wow. i'm not sure how it ended, but wow. it was 2 hours - but some of it was muffled when they moved to other parts of their apartment. OH. and let me add, these people do not LIVE in my building, they are in the building NEXT to me, so i heard all of this through open windows. i WISH i knew what they looked like... it was fascinating. how can people LIVE like that!
so my roommate came home, and i relayed the story to her, and she was mad she missed it!

go forward 2 days. i am sitting on the subway, minding my own business, when i see a couple walk in, obviously arguing. the man has a suitcase, the woman an obvious "carryon bag" - so i got the gist she had been traveling, and did NOT look happy. "so you walked by, and didnt think toi go in?!" she said. he replied "NO, it didnt click until later" the conversation continues similarly- her asking details about what he did- him affirming. and she did not like it. what i got from it: he was picking her up, forgot WHERE he was picking her up, and she was pissed because he was late. at one point she said "well, i told you, but you were talking to so and so..." (a guys name- he must have been out when she called to tell him where to get her)- then he said "i called you and left a message" uh oh... looks like someone didnt have her phone on... although, at one point i heard her say "i dont have her phone number MEMORIZED, how i could i call her!?" so, this went on. literally, the same argument, the same story, for 20 minutes. she kept asking the same questions. he had the same answers. there might be a minute of silence and then "so you walked by?" "YES" i wanted to go up to her and shake her and say "LET IT GO YOU FUCKING BITCH" but i didnt. i stared instead. then, finally, she gave up, and turned her body from him... did i mention she had an engagement ring? she SURELY sounds mature enough to be getting married (she looked in her 30's, so did he). finally they get off at the stop before mine, she walks off in a huff, he follows, trying to finagle her suitcase. i wonder if they are still together...