not on the subway, but close enough

yesterday afternoon i was walking along broadway on my lunch break. now, normally when i am on my lunch break, my biggest worry whilst walking is avoiding getting bombarded by women coming up to me saying "coach bag? you want coach bag?" in a quiet voice as if she is offering me cocaine. i also enjoy the ones that come up to me and gently say "dvd?"
no. thank you. anyway, i was walking along, minding my own business, glad that soho was just one block away... when suddenly, i am punched, very hard, in. the. breast. the left breast to be exact. so i immediately yell "OW" and turn around. it is some older man (50-60) who was PUTTING ON HIS JACKET. did i mention it was 80 degrees out yesterday? it was. punched me, hard, in the boob. i think i have a bruise! he said sorry, and looked sheepishly down on my breast that i was rubbing in horror.

fast forward 4 hours later. i was on my way to meet lindsey, her friend carol and her 10 year old daughter and friend. i figured i should get some money out to have just in case. so i start crossing the street to the atm, and i notice a man sitting in the alcove inside the door. and he is tapping on the window, and beckoning me. tap tap tap beckon beckon... tap tap tap beckon beckon... tap tap tap beckon beckon... so i veered to the left acting as if i had no plans to go to the atm in the first place.

so those are my tales... nothing from the subway, but entertaining nonetheless.

a dying father in new jersey, a blow job and an eye patch...

so on Tuesday i was on the subway, minding my own business, reading a book, and i hear "Good evening ladies and gentleman..." and i think it is a normal, "i am homeless, i cant find a job, please give me some money" - but this man throws in "my father is dying and i need to get a train ticket to see him in new brunswick new jersey... please, i need to go see my dying father, who is a drunk like me.." at that point i decided to get a look at the guy, and he is standing, leaning against a pole, and has an eyepatch. i quickly diverted my gaze so he wouldnt focus on me, and continued reading. now, most people say it once "help, i need a train ticket..." and move on to the next car. not this wonderful man. he proceeds to talk about his dying father, and announces "i gotta get to see my father... i dont care, if youpeople dont give me any money, i'll just suck the conducters dick..." and he goes on about having to see his father.. then he sat down across from me and continues his rant - and someone must have smiled and he yells at her "YOU THINK IT"S FUNNY!?! just wait til your father is dying and your a drunk! it's NOT FUNNY i need to see my dying father! i swear, i will let the conducter suck my dick! i swear to god people, you can go to the new jersey transit tomorrow and ask them..." presumably, if i were to call up new jersey transit today and ask if a conducter performed fellacio so a drunk could get home to see his drunk father die, it would be verified. so then he stands up, and says "alright, fuck you all.." gets off at the next stop, turns around to the open doors and screams, at the top of his lungs 'FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

wow.

First time

Now, those of you who know me have heard some of my subway stories. For some reason, the majority of the time, no matter what car i walk onto on the train, i get the craziest of the crazies. I dont just get the woman sitting quietly talking to herself, i get the woman yelling to EVERYONE, i dont get just the poor old homeless man looking for a quarter, i get the man with an eye patch... tonight, while i was telling my friend amanda (aka peeper) my latest subway story, she said to me "you have got to write these down" - so here i am.

i will start with my favorite two.

one was a few weeks ago, i was waiting at canal to grab the A, C or E to penn station for rehearsal. While waiitng i heard a woman talking quite loudly, so i looked over, and noticed she was, in fact, alone. and there was no cell phone, even if there was, there was no service down there. she looked like she had just left a comfortable office job and was on her way home to cook sloppy joes for her two kids and husband. however, unlike most stable moms i have seen, she was having a mighty serious conversation with herself. "I'M GONNA GO DOWN THERE AND IM GONNA KILL HIM. I"M GONNA BLOW HIS HEAD OFF..." and she went on, the E arrived, and i got on it. a few stops later, i noticed an A had caught up, so i jumped up and crossed the platform, and got onto the A. I got in the last door, and stood. Suddenly, i hear a familiar voice from minutes before. This time, i couldnt make out exactly what she was saying - she was standing near the first door of the car. everyonce and awhile i would hear key words "homosexual" "god" "Jesus." she was LOUD. and everyone on teh car was trying to get a look. i informed the couple sitting near me (the guy was trying hard to see her) - that she was a clean cut woman wearing make up and nice clothes. they were shocked. suddenly, we hear "then there are the transvestites... some women are born with DICKS and some men are born with PUSSIES" everyone was looking now. (most had been anyway). my stop came, i said goodbye to the couple, and got off the train. one passenger got off, slowly turned around with a bewildered look on his face, staring at her. as the door shut, i could still hear her yelling.
was it an acting experiment? a social experiment? or a working mom who forgot to take her meds that afternoon? we will never know, but i will always be intrigued.

i am too tired now to post my latest subway personality, you will just have to wait til tomorrow...