Friday, June 22, 2007


ok. i HATE other peoples hair. i just dont like it touching me, i dont really like touching it, i hate finding it ANYWHERE. if it isnt long, red and curly, i want to puke. there is just something about hair. EW. anyway - i was sitting on the subway this morning- sitting on one of the seats where the back is up against the back of another seat, reading my Harry and the Order of the Phoenix, minding my own business... when suddenly, i felt something on my back (i am wearing a tank top that is low in the back)- i immediately turn around and i see this:
ok, fine not EXACTLY that. it kind of looked like that, but it was attached to a woman, and was in a banana clip. and it kept fucking brushing up against me. so i kept adjusting, thinking she would get the hint. but the more i adjusted, i swear to GOD the more she pushed her hair to MY SIDE. it was SO GROSS. i kept giving her nasty looks, and i could feeeel it. ew. thinking about it now makes my skin crawl... i swear to you, the more i wriggled, the more she pushed it over. finally, at 42nd she got off. gross. and when she got up her shorts were giving her a wedgie. serves her RIGHT.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

The Annoyances of Megan

things that annoy me:

people who are wearing jackets, and sit so fucking close to you on the subway when you are wearing a tanktop/short sleeves andd their dirty jacket sleeve is rubbing against you.
people who dont eat french fries because they are "unhealthy"
people who "try to be healthy" and smoke, people who do yoga and smoke
people who blast their ipod so high that someone sitting 6 people away can hear it- see you for that hearing aid fitting buddy!
people who say "former president clinton, carter, reagan" etc... THEY ARE NOT FORMER. it is like a DOCTOR. when a doctor retires, do we say "former dr so and so"? NO. we do NOT. PROPER english is to say "president clinton" - the only ones who do NOT count would be ones like nixon, or andrew johnson. do we say "former president kennedy?" "former president lincoln" NO. we do NOT. so STOP saying it.
people who pronounce the "g" in ing words.
people who want to improve themselves but do nothing about it
close mindedness
people who "arent political" - you know what - you can vote, you can look at issues and form opinions, but you dont have to be crazy about it. we are fucking lucky to live in a country where we have the riht to choose who we want to lead us. and if your party doesnt win, then you have the right to complain til the cows come home.
condaleeza rice. a black woman who is conservative. it just doesnt make sense.
anyone who thinks they are better than somenoe else. you arent. i dont care what your position is in your job, in life, in politics. you are the same as me. you were a fucking mass of cells just like me, just like the homeless guy on the corner. so get off your high horse and show some compassion.
people who refuse to read harry potter. get over yourself and read it.
people who call back a number that was on their cell phone - why? why would you do that if no message was left? it was probably a wrong number. OR, when they say "yeah, i didnt listen to the message" ok, listen to it, THEN call back.
people who interrupt.
people who sit down on the subway when there is 4 inches of space. and they are young, and could easily stand, but instead, they would rather cause me distress in my reading. stand up you lazy slime.
people who put the money DOWN on the counter at a register. now, i know a lot of you probably do it. stop doing it if you do. it is SO annoying to the cashier. look them in the eye and put it in their hand. they arent dirty, they arent scary. it is ok to touch them. it is a fucking pain in the ass to pick up all the nickles and dimes you put on the counter. so just put it in their hand.
people who, when ordering at a cafe just say "large coffee" no "can i have" "may i please have" OR people who say "i NEED..." no. you dont, actually. you dont need any of this - no one NEEDS coffee. you might WANT IT. but you dont need it.
"is this skim?"
people who say "valentimes" and are over the age of 8
people who say "oh i cant watch the news or read the newspaper." what. yes. yes, you CAN. just because you live in a fucking suburbia/yuppie/fake happy world does NOT mean you shouldnt know what is going on everywhere else where they dont have 3 car garages, the internet, suvs, yoga class or starbucks. wake up. there is scary shit going on, and you should be aware.
peopel who cut in line. oh. my. GOD. ohmygod. whatthefuck. ok. i THINK that most of us, at age THREE had to start waiting in line at nursery school. and you didnt cut. if you did, you had to get a time out. so WHY, WHY THE HELL would it be ok to cut at cvs? at a concert? while waiting in line to see the newest harry potter movie? WHY? it is NOT ok. just because you have a blackberry and drove in in your land rover does NOT give you the right to cut!
on a similar note, people who, if they are behind you in line, and another register opens, and the cashier says "next" and the PERSON BEHIND YOU GOES. NO. youa re NOT next. so, what do i do? i push. yes, ladies and gentleman, this is when i push. for fucks sake. or, if i am 2nd and line, and 1st in line is a poor elderly old woman, i will say something to 3rd in line who went over when someone said "next" i dont get it. are you in THAT big of a rush that you cant understand what "next in line" means? GROW UP. actaully, i guess GROW DOWN. because, my 4 year old niece understands what a line is.

ohmygod. ok. i should stop. i could go on, which is kind of sad.

these are mundane things, i know. but they are just annoyances, not things that concern me (global warming, the war etc...)

thank you.

Monday, June 11, 2007

you move in with me?

saturday night, i prettied myself up to prepare for a lovely evening out - for my friend amandas birthday party. as i was sitting on the train waiting for it to leave the station, and older man got on, sat down perpindicular to me (i was sitting on seats going the direction the train was going to go, he was sitting in the seat perpindicular to it) - anyway - he asks, in very broken english, with a very thick accent if the train was "going to astroia" i wasnt sure if he meant astoria boulevard or astoria in general, either were rather pointless questions as 1. the train only goes in ONE direction from ditmars and 2. we already were IN astoria. so i smiled and assured him he was on the right train. apparently, that wasnt good enough... he doubted my answer... "astoria?" he asked... i smiled "yes" so then i decided to help him out "are you asking if this goes to astoria boulevard?" "astoria?" i sighed, and smiled, "this train only goes one way" "36th?" "yes." problem solved, and i thought my life could go back to normal. not so fast. i noticed, out of the corner of my eye, that he was looking at me, smiling. i pretended not to see. then "where from?" "boston" "oh... i, india" "oh, nice!"

please, please stop talkign to me. "you very beautiful"
"thank you"
"you alone?" i think he meant, "areyou single"
so i said, "no, i'm not"
"oh... i alone..." great. "you live with me?"
no. no, mr 50-year-old-who-needs-his-visa-i will NOT live with you. in fear that i WOULD say that and make matters worse, i just smiled.
and, ladies and gentleman, he did not stop there.
"you beautiful, i like you look"
well, thanks, i appreciate it, but our relationship is going to end on this train.
"you live astoria?"
"no, manhattan" phew. thank you, thank you, whoever you are for allowing me to not hesitate, not think "well, he's harmless" and say i lived in astoria.
"manhattan? ohhh..." he looked beat, he looked devestated. thank GOD manhattan seemed like a plane ride, a hurdle, a long distance relationship away. thank you improvisation classes. thank you.
"you live with me?"
OHMYGOD. NO. NO I WILL NOT LIVE WITH YOU. WHY. WHY DO YOU THINK I WOULD LIVE WITH YOU? why do you WANT me to live withyou? if in fact i DID live in Manhattan, in the penthouse i was invisioning describing to him once he asked THAT question, i would NOT move to 36th ave in ASTORIA to LIVE WITH A 60 YEAR OLD MAN WHO COULD BARELY SPEAK ENGLISH.

"i like you look"

and, suddenly, my phone was the most important thing in my life. i took it out, and started receiving and writing the most important, longest text messages one could imagine. (in truth, i text my friend "a crazy man just asked me to move in with him")- and then deleted old messages, but i had a look of concern and determination. and.. after a few more attempts "i like you look" "you live with me" - he finally, gave up. also, the train at that p oint had started getting more crowded (we had, awhile prior, started moving, so had made a few stops.

and when he got off, i was so relieved, and put my phone away with gusto.


later that night a man said to me "your very, very pretty... i would buy you a drink, but i might put a rufie in it... you need to watch out for that... youre so pretty" and you, sir, are wearing a paper crown you got at medieval times...

goddamnit i just wanted a free drink!

Monday, June 4, 2007

i think it might be a disease...

now, it probably comes to no surprise to anyone, that i am a
now, you might not all know that it is my goal, if i am to ever give birth, hopefully not for a long time, but if i am ever to, that i would like to give birth to a redhed (ideally a little redheaded gay mommas boy, but i wont be THAT picky) anyway...

today on the subway, i looked up and saw a lovely redheaded male standing directly infront of me. and i became obsessed. should i speak to him? should i ask him if he, too had a goal in mind to have a redheaded baby someday? do i casually catch his eye, nod and say "wanna make a redhead?" ni decided not to... so i just got obsessed. "if he gets off at my stop, it's a sign" then i thought "damn, he's probably married." to which IMMEDIATELY his left hand came out of his pocket to reveal... NO RING. i was ecstatic. it was surely a sign that immediately after i THOUGHT "i wonder if he is married" the ring hand came out of the pocket to reveal that he was infact, not married.
the rest of my trip, i kept glancing at him, thinking he was looking at me too. perhaps thinking "there is a redhead, we could have redheaded children"
he was NOT getting off either... and when we came to the 2nd to last stop and he did not get off, i thought "this is IT- he'll ask me to have redheaded babies with him while we are walking down the stairs together"
we got off... walked down the stairs, and just as i thought he was going to ask me - i turned left and he turned right, never to be seen again...

i think i have a redheaded baby disesase.