Friday, August 31, 2007

orange breakfast, squeezing seats, and smells...

today i was on the subway, enjoying my lovely seat when we got to the second stop. everyone piled in, and then i noticed a girl squeezing through the doors, do the "look" around for a seat, and come to where i was sitting and say "couldyou?" and move her hands to symbolize "move over" to me and the guy sitting next to me. she was in her 20s and did not appear to have any physical ailment that would allow her not to stand. so i move over, and she squeezed her way in between me and the guy. then i noticed she was wearing a long sleeved THERMAL hoody in august in new york city. and i hated her even more. (did i mention that i was dripping with sweat as i had my suitcase with me and had to carry it up stairs to the trian?)
then she started rummaging through her bag, creating chaos as she did so. she pulled out foundation, and started putting it on- it was darker than her skin and looked hideous. (and, as i am pretty sure i am already going to hell, i dont think anything could help her).
so after the foundation was added, she rummaged again. and pulls out a baggie, with, ladies and gentleman, what was her breakfast. and do you know what this "breakfast" was? i shall tell you. this "breakfast" was the processed peanut butter and crackers- you know, the kind in a package. but, my friends, not just any pb and crackers, the kind with the ORANGE crackers. i looked at the crackers for probably one whole minute wondering if i was seeing things. wondering WHY wondering HOW. i dont think it is possible for me to eat anything orange before noon. eggs are yellow. no muffins are orange. peanut butter is brown. orange processed crackers?! so i looked away in disgust.
then i noticed, once we crossed into manhattan she had her hand over her nose. and she kept making awful faces. i couldnt smell anything. so then i thought, with delight "maybe i have bad breath!" so i immediately started breathing towards her. like a dragon. like fire... i was breathing on this bitch. but then i noticed she kept giving the guy next to her dirty looks. so i decided to take a deep smell. cologne. that was all. and it wasnt nasty saturated cologne. it wsa FINE. typical male smell. maybe she hates male smell, i dont know. but she was being completely and utterly OBNOXIOUS about it. and trying to get CLOSER to me. no. you dont press your body up against me in 90 degreee humidity on the subway.
so then, at 49th street, she got up. and i had a silent hoorah, but she MOVES TO THE OTHER SIDE OF ME. so it definitely was not my breath, but this guys cologne. so there she is pressed up against my left thigh. great.
then she pulls out a snapple, and starts sucking on a straw to drink it like a baby bottle, and she does not stop, like a baby and a bottle. she just sucks and sucks and drains that snapple. til it starts making those noises. by now, i cant smell cologne guy, but she is still being obnoxious, and at 34th street, she moves to the end of our row. and shoots me and cologne guy dirty looks. THEN some guy sits down next to her, and she shoots HIM a dirty look.
because i couldnt stare at her directly, luckily there is a wonderful window that i can look into and see her reflection. as i looked at her, sitting, being miserable, i suddenly started thinking about the people she must work with, and how much they must hate her. and i was so glad i did not work with her. she jumped up at 14th street and weas never seen again... she must bring misery, hatred, and those goddamn dirty looks with her wherever she goes.

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